Paraphrased from: https://www.wfmh.global/wmhd-2017/
I feel today is the perfect day to speak up about my experiences of Mental Health in the Workplace. I have found through sharing my own experience and listening to others it not only helps me in terms of getting things off my chest and discovering I'm not alone but also enables me to see how others have coped and what they did to get help. I also hope anyone who reads this who finds themselves in a similar situation seeks help earlier then I did, as the sooner you get help the better!
I had learnt a tonne about myself on a personal level in the year I spent in America and grew as a person in ways I never expected. I had a new found confidence that was ready to be unleashed and when I landed myself my second dream job (First of course being the Disney job) - which was to work in the Education sector I couldn't believe my luck. After hearing rather quickly back following my interview that I had been successful I felt on top of the world and so excited to start this new adventure and hopefully a new career ahead.
Lack of Understanding around my Job Purpose and Role
The role I had landed was brand new - this was both exciting and daunting to me. This meant I could shape the role as I saw best fit and take pride in owning this role but also scary to think no one had done this before so I was going in blind. Although, one of the questions I had asked in the interview for this job was what was the training going to be like, and I was impressed and reassured to hear that each of my three (Yes three!) parts to the job, each with their own manager! would have it's own training schedule so I felt confident that I wasn't just going to be chucked into the deep end. OR so I thought.
So to skip ahead I had been signed off (reluctantly) from work for roughly just over 2 months. Every time I visited my GP I begged to get back to work as I believed in a strong work ethic and showing up to work no matter how ill you felt and because this wasn't a physical illness as such (albeit it brought along a few nasty physical effects) I thought I should be at work. Needless to say I'm so glad my pleas were ignored, as my GP has known me for several years and could tell I was not the person they used to know and could see how broken I had become. Whilst I could try and fool others I was not going to be fooling my GP. I felt guilty about having time off but I now know this was 100% necessary for my care and I needed this to help me not deteriorate further, as honestly if I had gone back too soon I dread to think what would have occurred.
Then the real dagger in the heart moment that sent me spiralling several steps backwards, was when after working incredibly hard on my mental health, I had built myself back up just enough that my GP and I had agreed that I could begin back at work but on a phased return basis only to ease myself slowly back into it as to not overwhelm me initially. So it was decided to go back just for the mornings only...
...well after having felt proud I was making positive steps forward with my progress in getting better and having been welcomed back by my lovely nice colleagues and made to feel that I had been somewhat missed. The worst (or now as I know it to be the BEST) thing happened. I was called into a meeting with HR on my fourth morning into work and to cut a very long and painful story short was told I was going to be made redundant.
Now this is a bit of an odd one as on one hand I was grateful that a decision had been made which meant I would be free from something which was making me ever so ill, but on the other hand I was beyond angry and livid. Firstly, I was fuming that I hadn't been given the chance to show and prove to myself that I can get back to working 9-5pm and secondly some of the reasons given to me were what I call 'white lies' and failed to acknowledge the real reason and truth. No one ever wants to be made redundant but when there is a hint of injustice and lies added to the mix it makes it very very hard to swallow.
I visited my work's Occupational Health centre after a referral by my employer and had a dreadful first visit, but my second referral to them was thankfully much better and provided some support and advice both my employer and I needed at the time. As with everything it seems it is down to pot luck who you meet at these places as to what kind of support you might get.
I then asked my GP if I could be referred to some kind of support service as I was unable to locate any in my area and she thankfully gave me a name of a local primary care service where I anxiously self-referred myself to and thankfully got put in touch with possibly the best therapist out there who specialises in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I would love to do a separate blog post about this to help dispel some myths surrounding going to therapy and explain and talk about what it is actually like to attend and how CBT works and can help. As this has helped me a lot in terms of my recovery.
I also got to hear about my work's Union that I could sign up to and get advice from. This is something I now describe to people as an equivalent to travel insurance. You never think you are going to need it until something happens. I thankfully had the chance to meet two incredible Union Reps who took the time to listen to me, let me know where I stood and what would or wouldn't be possible. Without their support I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in today and wouldn't have had the strength to fight my case.
And finally, as a last resort and rather reluctantly due to the stigma and the fear attached to it, I accepted that I was going to try out medication. This wasn't an easy process as I went through months of trial and error to find a drug that would begin to give me some level of comfort and ease off the worst of my symptoms.
This years World Mental Health Day is ever so poignant to me for many reasons. Firstly, it's celebrating it's 25th Birthday in the same year as me, secondly each year has a theme and this years is Mental Health in the Workplace.
I feel today is the perfect day to speak up about my experiences of Mental Health in the Workplace. I have found through sharing my own experience and listening to others it not only helps me in terms of getting things off my chest and discovering I'm not alone but also enables me to see how others have coped and what they did to get help. I also hope anyone who reads this who finds themselves in a similar situation seeks help earlier then I did, as the sooner you get help the better!
My Personal Experience
I'm going to do my best to not go into any specifics with this post but to speak generally about my experiences with Mental Health in the workplace. I will talk about what happened which made me wake up and notice that my mental health had deteriorated, what the warning signs were and what I did to try and improve my mental health.What happened?
Well, after one of the most magical years of my life working in Walt Disney World in sunny Orlando, I knew the next job I walked into would not be so. However, I was going to walk into the next job armed with all the tips and tricks the Walt Disney Company had taught me and go in with a positive attitude, excited to see what the future had in store.I had learnt a tonne about myself on a personal level in the year I spent in America and grew as a person in ways I never expected. I had a new found confidence that was ready to be unleashed and when I landed myself my second dream job (First of course being the Disney job) - which was to work in the Education sector I couldn't believe my luck. After hearing rather quickly back following my interview that I had been successful I felt on top of the world and so excited to start this new adventure and hopefully a new career ahead.
The key triggers which I believe led to my ill health:
Lack of Understanding around my Job Purpose and Role
The role I had landed was brand new - this was both exciting and daunting to me. This meant I could shape the role as I saw best fit and take pride in owning this role but also scary to think no one had done this before so I was going in blind. Although, one of the questions I had asked in the interview for this job was what was the training going to be like, and I was impressed and reassured to hear that each of my three (Yes three!) parts to the job, each with their own manager! would have it's own training schedule so I felt confident that I wasn't just going to be chucked into the deep end. OR so I thought.
Well...it turns out the training was more of a meet and greet opportunity hearing about what others did in the business and having a basic introduction to the systems used.
So it soon became evident after this that no one really knew what I needed to know for my role, nor who should have a key role to play in overseeing my role as having three managers each with their own speciality - two in the same country and one outside in a completely different timezone, could ever possibly work together to help achieve the one common goal which my role should provide for all. So I soon started to muddle together to try and establish some kind of processes and build up relations with colleagues both internally and externally to help ensure I had access to a range of experience and knowledge that I could hopefully call upon when needed. It was a mess, but being as organised as I was I began to write up all my notes made and started up my own 'How to work guide' that I could refer to. This helped me seeing as I couldn't turn to anyone else for advice nor could I look at past examples. I was the unknown that no-one in the office really understood, as my role was quite unique so having something to refer to made me feel better.
Poor Communication
Unfortunately, I also had a fraught relationship with a colleague who played a significant role in my day to day working life. Some of the problems I encountered was down to poor communication with this person. Unfortunately, this colleague would say things without thinking how they could be perceived and the tone in which they were said at times made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and caused me a great level of distress. It is at this point though that I blame myself entirely because logically my sensible brain knew what was being said was not meant in malice but was simply them just airing their views in perhaps not the most effective or thoughtful of ways as I saw it. It was how I perceived the comments that was the issue NOT the person delivering it.
Although having said that, after being constantly fed remarks which I felt both undermined and patronised me, made me doubt my self worth - this reaped havoc with my mind. I soon started believing that I just wasn't capable of anything and all my hours of hard work was pointless, because I was only going to be met with criticism and told what I did wrong and how badly I did it, despite my best efforts (which would rarely, if at all be acknowledged). I was new, whilst this colleague had an abundance of years on me so of course would often struggle to remember what it was like to start out in a career and how to them what may be sometimes even the smallest or simplest of tasks, when new can be hard and daunting until it becomes familiar. Therefore guidance and support is most needed at this stage. For instance, such a task as talking to a room full of a couple of hundred or more individuals for the first time and setting up and running workshops is a little overwhelming to say the least when new. However, with my new found confidence I was able to accomplish this and felt proud for doing it. Sadly, this was then not noted as an achievement which I found demoralising. As all I got to hear was how I did it wrong and how I could have done it better - fantastic.
I was on my last ounce of strength at this point. I felt I was constantly trying to prove myself to not only myself but to them and for them to not be happy with my performance was hard to swallow.
Now don't get me wrong I was under no illusion that I was great at my job, I mean I was brand new to working in this sector and I was given a brand new role so I fully expected to not do fantastically, but I expected a little bit of praise to be given for at least trying or attempting to make this role a success.
It is also important to note though that I was glad to hear some constructive criticism, as this colleague had a wealth of experience and was full of fantastic ideas so I was keen to hear advice. It was just hard to hear when not delivered in the best of ways. But this again is my fault though for being an overly sensitive and fragile person. Something I HATE about myself and trying to change!
Unfortunately, I also had a fraught relationship with a colleague who played a significant role in my day to day working life. Some of the problems I encountered was down to poor communication with this person. Unfortunately, this colleague would say things without thinking how they could be perceived and the tone in which they were said at times made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and caused me a great level of distress. It is at this point though that I blame myself entirely because logically my sensible brain knew what was being said was not meant in malice but was simply them just airing their views in perhaps not the most effective or thoughtful of ways as I saw it. It was how I perceived the comments that was the issue NOT the person delivering it.
Although having said that, after being constantly fed remarks which I felt both undermined and patronised me, made me doubt my self worth - this reaped havoc with my mind. I soon started believing that I just wasn't capable of anything and all my hours of hard work was pointless, because I was only going to be met with criticism and told what I did wrong and how badly I did it, despite my best efforts (which would rarely, if at all be acknowledged). I was new, whilst this colleague had an abundance of years on me so of course would often struggle to remember what it was like to start out in a career and how to them what may be sometimes even the smallest or simplest of tasks, when new can be hard and daunting until it becomes familiar. Therefore guidance and support is most needed at this stage. For instance, such a task as talking to a room full of a couple of hundred or more individuals for the first time and setting up and running workshops is a little overwhelming to say the least when new. However, with my new found confidence I was able to accomplish this and felt proud for doing it. Sadly, this was then not noted as an achievement which I found demoralising. As all I got to hear was how I did it wrong and how I could have done it better - fantastic.
I was on my last ounce of strength at this point. I felt I was constantly trying to prove myself to not only myself but to them and for them to not be happy with my performance was hard to swallow.
Now don't get me wrong I was under no illusion that I was great at my job, I mean I was brand new to working in this sector and I was given a brand new role so I fully expected to not do fantastically, but I expected a little bit of praise to be given for at least trying or attempting to make this role a success.
It is also important to note though that I was glad to hear some constructive criticism, as this colleague had a wealth of experience and was full of fantastic ideas so I was keen to hear advice. It was just hard to hear when not delivered in the best of ways. But this again is my fault though for being an overly sensitive and fragile person. Something I HATE about myself and trying to change!
Changes in the Workplace
After a few months into starting my role, there was a big change within work, one which seemed incredibly unfair, it didn't make any sense and caused great upset within the office. This change effected a colleague who I looked up to, felt comfortable around, supported by and most importantly thoroughly enjoyed working with. This event changed the whole dynamic in the office and made me feel increasingly unsettled and begin to distrust people - something I hate as I always want to believe the best in people. When this colleague had sadly left I feel that was the signifier which started a huge domino effect of things getting progressively worse for me.
Noticeable signs I had ignored
Upon reflection there are a few things I have since looked back on with the help of a specialist and can now see I had ignored some clear signs that could have perhaps saved me a lot sooner.
Physical health signs I ignored:
Day in day out, I soon found myself waking up with that sick feeling I only knew of the morning before an exam and often ended up being physically sick every morning before work. Now you think when this started up alarm bells would ring for me but they didn't. I didn't even question this because it just became part of my routine and was the norm. I knew not everyone lept out of bed thinking oh goody I can't wait to get to work, so therefore I didn't think too much of this. I would just think, oh maybe I ate something funny or perhaps it was just a phase and would pass at some point. But it became impossible to set foot into the office without having been ill before entering. Although, I soon became a pro at disguising this as I didn't want anyone to notice how ill I was feeling. I didn't want to look weak. I had also started to struggle to eat normally and some days would forget entirely about eating breakfast and would manage the bare minimum for lunch, dinner was always okay as I knew my family were there and I didn't want them to notice me struggling to eat up as they of course would then start to ask questions and I didn't want them to worry about me.
Some days when my front wasn't the most convincing though, a colleague may say "oh you look pale today, are you feeling okay" I would soon joke and say "it must just be my tan from Orlando fading now, I'm naturally pale don't worry - I'm fine". This of course was a lie (not the naturally pale part that I wish was a lie haha!).
Mental health signs I ignored:
I also began to start questioning why I was even bothering heading into the office and believed life would be a lot better without me in the world. Those colleagues closest to me started to notice that I was becoming very withdrawn, no longer interacting like I used to. I also had started staying way past the end of my working day as I felt this made me a good colleague working above and beyond, putting my all into this role. I of course now know with hindsight this is a poor habit to get into and the need for a work life balance is key! You should never reach that point where work consumes your life and you no longer have a clear division between your personal time and your work time. This is something I am now very aware of.
I had also started to get an increasing amount of negative thoughts entering my head on a daily basis. I felt like all I seemed to do was cause other people stress and be more of a burden to my colleague's ever demanding workload and I didn't want to be a factor in their stress any longer. So surely it'd just be easier if I wasn't there? Things were getting bad but still I didn't do anything, I just ploughed through hoping things would miraculously one day be better - what a fool.
After a few months into starting my role, there was a big change within work, one which seemed incredibly unfair, it didn't make any sense and caused great upset within the office. This change effected a colleague who I looked up to, felt comfortable around, supported by and most importantly thoroughly enjoyed working with. This event changed the whole dynamic in the office and made me feel increasingly unsettled and begin to distrust people - something I hate as I always want to believe the best in people. When this colleague had sadly left I feel that was the signifier which started a huge domino effect of things getting progressively worse for me.
Noticeable signs I had ignored
Upon reflection there are a few things I have since looked back on with the help of a specialist and can now see I had ignored some clear signs that could have perhaps saved me a lot sooner.
Physical health signs I ignored:
Day in day out, I soon found myself waking up with that sick feeling I only knew of the morning before an exam and often ended up being physically sick every morning before work. Now you think when this started up alarm bells would ring for me but they didn't. I didn't even question this because it just became part of my routine and was the norm. I knew not everyone lept out of bed thinking oh goody I can't wait to get to work, so therefore I didn't think too much of this. I would just think, oh maybe I ate something funny or perhaps it was just a phase and would pass at some point. But it became impossible to set foot into the office without having been ill before entering. Although, I soon became a pro at disguising this as I didn't want anyone to notice how ill I was feeling. I didn't want to look weak. I had also started to struggle to eat normally and some days would forget entirely about eating breakfast and would manage the bare minimum for lunch, dinner was always okay as I knew my family were there and I didn't want them to notice me struggling to eat up as they of course would then start to ask questions and I didn't want them to worry about me.
Mental health signs I ignored:
I also began to start questioning why I was even bothering heading into the office and believed life would be a lot better without me in the world. Those colleagues closest to me started to notice that I was becoming very withdrawn, no longer interacting like I used to. I also had started staying way past the end of my working day as I felt this made me a good colleague working above and beyond, putting my all into this role. I of course now know with hindsight this is a poor habit to get into and the need for a work life balance is key! You should never reach that point where work consumes your life and you no longer have a clear division between your personal time and your work time. This is something I am now very aware of.
I had also started to get an increasing amount of negative thoughts entering my head on a daily basis. I felt like all I seemed to do was cause other people stress and be more of a burden to my colleague's ever demanding workload and I didn't want to be a factor in their stress any longer. So surely it'd just be easier if I wasn't there? Things were getting bad but still I didn't do anything, I just ploughed through hoping things would miraculously one day be better - what a fool.
Increasing Workload
Again due to my role being new there was no clear outline or criteria for my role, so I soon found myself becoming the dumping ground for any and everything that people didn't want to have to do. I always want to help out wherever possible so if someone asked would I mind doing X, Y and Z I couldn't say no. I was being pulled in all different directions not knowing who I should prioritise, which consequently had a very negative impact on my work. I found myself becoming swamped with work and at one point I did cry out for help but was told everything I had "was perfectly manageable"...well maybe if you are a pro juggler with several years of experience under your belt - sure. Now I'm not new to having to juggle competing priorities, I was (I like to think) very successful at Uni juggling my academic studies, with my part time jobs and still being able to keep up my exercise classes whilst being on the committee for my sports team. However, at Uni I always knew my academic studies was my main priority and I knew how to spread my time accordingly. This job though I felt everything was high priority so struggled to know how to manage this.
Struggling to fit in
Struggling to fit in
It also didn't help that I didn't feel a useful part of the team that I sat with, and this made me incredibly upset. They all worked ever so hard and I wanted to feel involved and help support them, as I love to work as part of a team environment. All the team members I saw around me seemed to have everything figured out and I wondered why I didn't and questioned maybe I shouldn't be here, I didn't belong. I was a lone wolf with no one else like me around, it was incredibly isolating. I had also been promised a trip to visit another place to see someone who had a similar role to me which I think may have helped, but this never materialised sadly.
Incident at work
Then one day I dragged myself back into work after a bad episode of sickness and a colleague turned round to me and genuinely asked "should you even be here?" even though I assumed and hoped this was meant in a concerned way, my mind at this point was already becoming very unwell and I struggled with this question a lot. It took all my strength to not have a full breakdown in that moment and instead I put on my best acting face and smiled back and said "yes, I'm fine don't worry". I was in denial. This would have been the perfect opportunity for me to step up and say actually I need help, I'm not okay, but I didn't want to come off as weak. I was already one of the youngest in the office and I didn't want them thinking that I wasn't coping because I knew I was giving it my all.
However, one day it all came to a head and I soon learnt however much I was trying to trick myself and those around me that I was fine, it turns out you can't outsmart your body. My body one day decided to treat me/terrify me with my first ever panic attack episode. I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, I just knew my heart was pounding out of control, I was sweating profusely, felt sick and I had this overwhelming feeling of needing to escape and run away. I now know this to be a 'fight or flight' response your body does as a result of experiencing high levels of anxiety and stress but back then I had no idea about this. I eventually fell to the floor and was completely unable to get myself to calm down, concerned colleagues ran out to help me and thankfully I worked on an office floor with several qualified paramedics and nurses, so there was an abundance of medical support on hand. Although, it was decided they needed to call 999. Now anyone who knows me knows I fear anything medical and the thought of an ambulance and a paramedic showing up with all of their medical equipment was a big no no for me. Anyway, the first responder soon arrived and came to my side and started running all the necessary tests to check what was happening to me. After initially saying I needed to be taken to hospital and me breaking down further upon hearing this, it was eventually decided this would not be necessary and he ever so kindly explained to me (It's worth noting here that I think NHS Staff are absolute heroes and complete gems, the way they communicate to you and put you at ease is incredible!) that what I was experiencing was indeed a panic attack and suggested I see my GP to get help with this.
After feeling bemused as to what had just occurred and shocked at this news, I thought no I'm okay this is probably just a one off horrible event and I'll be okay after a day's rest. I had the following day off work but was keen to get back in and get on with my job so returned the subsequent day after my 'rest' day.
Well, my body wasn't going to let me get away with things that easily now was it...and of course I experienced yet another panic attack at work and another visit from an ambulance crew where I then realised I can't keep ignoring this any longer and maybe just maybe I should go and get help with this. The ambulance crew (again super wonderful and lovely individuals!) this time though were not going to leave me until I had a GP appointment booked that day. Only once this was in place (which they made sure of by ringing on my behalf) would the ambulance crew then discharge me from their care and let me be taken home, as I was instructed to not drive home at all.
How my workplace dealt with my poor Mental Health
So to skip ahead I had been signed off (reluctantly) from work for roughly just over 2 months. Every time I visited my GP I begged to get back to work as I believed in a strong work ethic and showing up to work no matter how ill you felt and because this wasn't a physical illness as such (albeit it brought along a few nasty physical effects) I thought I should be at work. Needless to say I'm so glad my pleas were ignored, as my GP has known me for several years and could tell I was not the person they used to know and could see how broken I had become. Whilst I could try and fool others I was not going to be fooling my GP. I felt guilty about having time off but I now know this was 100% necessary for my care and I needed this to help me not deteriorate further, as honestly if I had gone back too soon I dread to think what would have occurred.
However, one day it all came to a head and I soon learnt however much I was trying to trick myself and those around me that I was fine, it turns out you can't outsmart your body. My body one day decided to treat me/terrify me with my first ever panic attack episode. I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, I just knew my heart was pounding out of control, I was sweating profusely, felt sick and I had this overwhelming feeling of needing to escape and run away. I now know this to be a 'fight or flight' response your body does as a result of experiencing high levels of anxiety and stress but back then I had no idea about this. I eventually fell to the floor and was completely unable to get myself to calm down, concerned colleagues ran out to help me and thankfully I worked on an office floor with several qualified paramedics and nurses, so there was an abundance of medical support on hand. Although, it was decided they needed to call 999. Now anyone who knows me knows I fear anything medical and the thought of an ambulance and a paramedic showing up with all of their medical equipment was a big no no for me. Anyway, the first responder soon arrived and came to my side and started running all the necessary tests to check what was happening to me. After initially saying I needed to be taken to hospital and me breaking down further upon hearing this, it was eventually decided this would not be necessary and he ever so kindly explained to me (It's worth noting here that I think NHS Staff are absolute heroes and complete gems, the way they communicate to you and put you at ease is incredible!) that what I was experiencing was indeed a panic attack and suggested I see my GP to get help with this.
After feeling bemused as to what had just occurred and shocked at this news, I thought no I'm okay this is probably just a one off horrible event and I'll be okay after a day's rest. I had the following day off work but was keen to get back in and get on with my job so returned the subsequent day after my 'rest' day.
Well, my body wasn't going to let me get away with things that easily now was it...and of course I experienced yet another panic attack at work and another visit from an ambulance crew where I then realised I can't keep ignoring this any longer and maybe just maybe I should go and get help with this. The ambulance crew (again super wonderful and lovely individuals!) this time though were not going to leave me until I had a GP appointment booked that day. Only once this was in place (which they made sure of by ringing on my behalf) would the ambulance crew then discharge me from their care and let me be taken home, as I was instructed to not drive home at all.
Then the real dagger in the heart moment that sent me spiralling several steps backwards, was when after working incredibly hard on my mental health, I had built myself back up just enough that my GP and I had agreed that I could begin back at work but on a phased return basis only to ease myself slowly back into it as to not overwhelm me initially. So it was decided to go back just for the mornings only...
...well after having felt proud I was making positive steps forward with my progress in getting better and having been welcomed back by my lovely nice colleagues and made to feel that I had been somewhat missed. The worst (or now as I know it to be the BEST) thing happened. I was called into a meeting with HR on my fourth morning into work and to cut a very long and painful story short was told I was going to be made redundant.
Now this is a bit of an odd one as on one hand I was grateful that a decision had been made which meant I would be free from something which was making me ever so ill, but on the other hand I was beyond angry and livid. Firstly, I was fuming that I hadn't been given the chance to show and prove to myself that I can get back to working 9-5pm and secondly some of the reasons given to me were what I call 'white lies' and failed to acknowledge the real reason and truth. No one ever wants to be made redundant but when there is a hint of injustice and lies added to the mix it makes it very very hard to swallow.
What did I do to help myself?
So when I finally admitted that I might need some help, I thought about what I could do to help myself. Initially I visited my workplace's well-being centre, which sadly I won't go into great detail as it still gets me very angry and upset just thinking about my visits there, but to summarise the centre did not help.I visited my work's Occupational Health centre after a referral by my employer and had a dreadful first visit, but my second referral to them was thankfully much better and provided some support and advice both my employer and I needed at the time. As with everything it seems it is down to pot luck who you meet at these places as to what kind of support you might get.
I then asked my GP if I could be referred to some kind of support service as I was unable to locate any in my area and she thankfully gave me a name of a local primary care service where I anxiously self-referred myself to and thankfully got put in touch with possibly the best therapist out there who specialises in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I would love to do a separate blog post about this to help dispel some myths surrounding going to therapy and explain and talk about what it is actually like to attend and how CBT works and can help. As this has helped me a lot in terms of my recovery.
I also got to hear about my work's Union that I could sign up to and get advice from. This is something I now describe to people as an equivalent to travel insurance. You never think you are going to need it until something happens. I thankfully had the chance to meet two incredible Union Reps who took the time to listen to me, let me know where I stood and what would or wouldn't be possible. Without their support I certainly wouldn't be in the position I am in today and wouldn't have had the strength to fight my case.
And finally, as a last resort and rather reluctantly due to the stigma and the fear attached to it, I accepted that I was going to try out medication. This wasn't an easy process as I went through months of trial and error to find a drug that would begin to give me some level of comfort and ease off the worst of my symptoms.
Is there a happy ending?
YES!!!!!
Gosh does that feel amazing to say. I never in a million years thought I would be saying that. I honestly couldn't be happier or more grateful for the role I'm now in and the new team of people I am proud to call my colleagues. I am finally part of a team and am made to feel needed and supported!!! I can't express how honoured I feel to be in this role and to have the level of support I now receive. It is simply the best.
So am I all better? Is everything all back to how it was? I wish I could say yes but sadly I'm learning there is no easy quick fix. I've now realised whilst I feel I am a patient person generally I'm not with myself. I don't understand that now everything in my life is great why haven't I snapped back? Well it turns out there is this thing called recovery and apparently recovery is a long term thing, isn't linear and requires learning some new skills. Sure I'm doing better, but I still have huge concerns and doubts and have lost all faith in my abilities. It's going to take time to repair the damage done but I am 100% committed to put in all the work it takes to get back to the old or should I say a new improved version of me. I am going to use this experience in my life to help me grow in strength. It's taught me many valuable life lessons and I'm grateful to have learnt them so early on in my career so hopefully I won't let the same thing ever happen to me again. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to stick up for myself better if I am faced with a similar problem and seek help sooner. I really hope one day I will again have faith in my work and abilities. It's just going to take time.
So please, I urge anyone who is out there who is currently struggling and finds themselves dreading going into work, it doesn't have to be like this I promise you. Yes of course no matter how much better your job may be, a job is still a job at the end of the day and you will still have those days where you'd much rather be sunning yourself on a nice beach somewhere, rather than walking into work. But you can go to work and it not make you feel sick. So whether you are thinking about leaving a job as it's making you unhappy or thinking of going to seek help to support your wellbeing in the workplace please do! The sooner you do it the better.
